I have never been so happy in my life.



I have never been so happy in my life.

I did not know it then, but as I sit here by this stupid block of machinery, who cannot hear, cannot feel and cannot tell a word of it I cry like a stupid little boy. I didn’t want to come back. I found bliss, I found peace, I found no reasons, no necessity, no good, no bad, no nothing.

There is nothing I can say or write that can in any way express the last three days. As I can hardly look back a storm of emotions breaks me. As I got out of the car, two hours late for the three days course in Risk Taking, I was simply overwhelmed with how everything was so amazing around. I have not been to the Dead Sea since childhood, and what I remembered is lots of foreign old people who walked around in towels in large hotel spas, but were I arrived was the most empty piece of heaven, with the most amazing view to the sea, the clearest of air to breath and silence – no cars, no people, nothing. Wind. Sun. Nothing.

I got into the class half running and everybody was waiting, no one was angry, no one cared too much for the delay in time. I knew some of the people, some friends too, but most of I only seen their faces here and there, some not even that. Small bunch of people with nothing in common but the same college.

No cell phones. No TV. No computers. No hurry. No demands. Only a request – participate in what you want, and if you don’t want to – think why. I did everything from singing before a crowd with no reason or music to walking on burning coals. And it felt good. The nights were filled with alcohol and laughs, though I didn’t drink because I was on antibiotic cause that damn infection. But it was good – I didn’t need it, I didn’t even wanted it, I didn’t cared for it, I was simply having fun without absolute reason, direction or anything.

Looking back now I suddenly realize, how stupid does it sound to me because then it seemed so trivial, that I did everything I always dreamed to do, I dared to do everything I never actually dared, and I didn’t care for any comments, what anyone thought about it, and no one seemed to care. No. No one cared, I was just me in a much improved and sincere way and it was acceptable, understood and encouraged. I reached every peek, I fell every hole, and it was just me against my daily routine – be real and feel, or don’t, the bigger the riskthe bigger your reward.

When it was time to leave and everyone was gone me and three of my friends stayed behind just to sit, talk and take some pictures. We were in a hurry but so what. We ate ice cream under the most hot sun I ever felt, we took pictures at the edge of a cliff (ME on the EDGE of a CLIFF?! I have the worst terrible height phobia and I was standing at the edge of the highest thing I ever dared to get closer than 2 meters off), and then we just left.

Half of the road back was awful. I did not want to leave. I saw the desert change into cities, the cities change into green, the green changes into more cities. We stopped to eat on the way in Abu Gush, which is an Arabic city within Israel with very lovely and friendly people. We sat in a restaurant and I we felt estranged – there were sounds, noise, cars, talking, arguments. There was reasoning that did not make sense. There was everything I didn’t miss or even thought about. So we laughed, because there was no other way to deal with it.

We got back to the car and continued laughing and talking about stupid things, and in my mind I thought about this thing my lecturer, who was more of a friend than anything else – he laughed with us, talked with us, drank with us, cared with us and didn’t care with us. He said that when he was in India he kept telling himself that he don’t have to go to India, India can go with him. I thought about that line but about me, and it didn’t really work.

I got home. Got into the house. Turned the computer on. Turned it off. I didn’t want to look at it. I played the piano for some time, trying to neglect the sounds of everything. Got back to my room, and turned that damn thing again. Put music on. Suddenly I’m crying.

It’s my 26th birthday today and I don’t want to party. I don’t want noise. I don’t want girls. I don’t want alcohol. I don’t want everything my friends who called want to do. I want to sit, maybe talk, maybe don’t. I want to process. I want to feel that way again.

I have a major burn on my leg of walking on hot coals, I have headache from here to infinity, an ear infection that kills me, I did not sleep for three days due to annoying cough who don’t seem to cure and I didn’t care for it all. It was nothing, a buzz, a speckle of something which means nothing. How can I care for a burn in my leg if I am so complete and not afraid, I am myself. The true me, with nothing to shame, no bargaining, no need to be anything but.

I have never felt this way. It might sound strange, like some weird sort of a cult thing but it was nothing like that. Actually, it was nothing. It was a group of different individuals who did what they wanted to do, at least I did, and had fun.

I take some risk in posting it maybe, a great exposure of some sort but I don’t really care. I don’t know if I’ll keep in touch with many of the amazing people I met there, who were so amazing just for being who they are not because they were anything else, but I know that such an experience will not come back in a long time if at all. So I need to do something about it, bring that Dead Sea Risk Taking course back into me somehow. But for now, for this hour, I can’t think of anything else but then and there, a three hours ride to the past.

So I guess I’m back, no I need to lure myself back too…




Will you dance with me?

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The Small Hours Collection
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